1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differencesÖ..She thought she was God
and I didnít.|
2.. I donít suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because itís illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Donít take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. Youíre just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. Iím not a complete idiot ĖSome parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the st uffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room -spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being ďover the hillĒ is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.. They call it PMS be cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
27.. Ham and eggs: A dayís work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is thereís no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I donít know what the heck is going on.