INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR
CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil
wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just
visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to
take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth
open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill
down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall. |
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