Most of us would stop
working if we could. We constantly dream about it, but that's about as far
as we get-dreaming. Working a 9-5 just seems inevitable. I, Timothy Ward,
however am a master at defying the inevitable. I stare 'The Inevitable' in
the face and call him dirty names. I say, if you want to stop working, STOP
WORKING; I'll even give you 5 reasons why you should.
1. If you stop working you'll have more time to devote to reading my
articles, columns, and lists. This will enable me to become a household name
down at the Unemployment and Welfare offices. My fame is a small price to
pay for you living your dreams. Think about this when you see me on the
'Today Show'.
2. Quitting your job will make you feel wonderful. For about 10 minutes
you'll be on cloud nine, you'll be on top of the world, you'll be living the
good life, you'll be: -insert your own cliche here-. Then you'll start
worrying about the car note, the mortgage, the kid's school clothes,
groceries, and how you're going to pay that $850 you owe the Petermanns for
running over their mailbox and a whole row of prize-winning azaleas. All
this will probably depress you to the point of assisted suicide, but at
least you had 10 minutes of freedom. |
3. Daytime television is
some of the most exciting and captivating television around. You'll wonder
how you ever survived without all those quality soap operas, daytime talk
shows, and judge shows where you get the sinking suspicion that the judge
has been paid off. When you combine this with all the informative
commercials that air during the daytime that will 'Show you how to make
$1,000 a day stuffing envelopes, 'Teach you to drive a tractor trailer in 4
days', 'Allow you to get a degree from home in such exciting fields as GED
preparation and septic tank scrubber' and you'll not only wonder why you
didn't quit your job sooner, you'll also vow to never work again.
4. In your formerly employed state you missed all those important calls from
collection agencies and other bill collectors. Now that you have quit your
job you'll be able to sit at home in eager anticipation of these
oh-so-important calls. Toss in a few telemarketers, calls from the Sheriff's
Association asking for donations, and a few of those computers that call you
and ask you to 'Hold for an important message' and you'll have a full day of
just answering the phone. It will be like having a full-time job all over
again, without all the hassle of getting a paycheck. |
5. Dragging yourself out
of bed every morning at 5:45 a.m. can't be good for your health. Your doctor
will proud of you for caring enough about your body's well-being to go as
far as quitting your job. He will not, however, see you as a patient anymore
because you no longer have health insurance. But there's no need to worry,
after all that's why we have free clinics. Sitting all day in a damp clinic
waiting room next to two teenagers with stage 3 Chlamydia is yet another
experience you would have missed out on if you had kept your day job.
There you have it folks. 5 reasons why you should immediately go out and
quit your job. Feel free to quote any of these reasons to your employer when
you turn in your two weeks notice. If she wants to know where you came
across such valuable information tell her that a unselfish friend of
humanity supplied them to you free of charge, and all I asked in return was
that you remember me next time you need your septic tank scrubbed...
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